The Two Pound Soul

So....

I went in on Thursday April 17th to my Perinatal appt. It was supposed to be routine enough. And I suppose in a way it was for me.

I peed in a cup. I got weighed - I lost 2 pounds! And I've been eating normal and all. Weird, I thought.

The nurse tried to find the baby on the in-room ultrasound which isn't really the best. I'm sure my fat roll didn't help at all. At least that's what I was blaming the fact they didn't see anything on.

The doctor came in - Dr. Lynch-Salaman. AWESOME, one word. We moved to a fully equipped ultrasound room and the tech and the doctor decided to do a trans-vaginal ultrasound for best results.

And there, on the screen, was no heart beat, and my fetus that I had started calling a "baby" even though I know better, curled up like a centipede curls up when it dies. Dr. Lynch-Salaman was apologetic and extremely kind in my first moments of shock.
And no, I didn't break down there; I had to remain calm to drive myself home to Dave so I could tell him the news. The nurse offered to let me use her cell phone - she was sweet and I declined. There's just some things you want to do in person.

The doctor and the nurse worked it so that on Monday I get to go to North Memorial Hospital for the initial cervix-opening procedure, and then on Tuesday, the full D&C at Abbott. Allegedly, the cervix-opening procedure is supposed to be gentler on your body and better for when you try to have more children later on. I told the doctors that I really didn't think it mattered since this was going to be my 3rd D&C in 8 years due to tissue not passing when the pregnancy self-termed. I knew what to expect as far as the surgical D&C.

Then they threw this procedure for the cervix at me. Yikes. They stick Laminaria, or seeweed sticks into the opening of your cervix - as many as the doctor feels is appropriate to help open it - as the sticks swell and soften the cervix. They each have a loop and are all tied together as they hang from your cervix. I talked to the nurse at North Perinatal Clinic at the hospital and they said likely to expect cramping, possibly some discharge, but if tissue and bright red blood presented, to head directly to the ER - meaning my cervix is dilated enough and is trying to pass the fetus without assistance from medical personnel. This would be me, RUNNING to the ER.

So as I lay in bed on Thursday night talking to Dave, we had gotten past most of the heartbreak -for the moment- and I said something about how I lost two pounds from the last time I'd been to the perinatal clinic.... and I wondered if a soul was two pounds. We looked at each other. I teared up a bit. This baby was not expected, but it was wanted. It was almost like we were on borrowed time from the beginning. Were we greedy? Or stupid?

I feel stupid, after the fact, having told people - even though things were kosher and swimming along just fine. It's easier to share good news, than to share bad news and have people feel extraordinarily uncomfortable. You put on a brave face, put the "logic" chip back in your brain and explain to people that it's okay, it was unplanned, and you and your significant other are doing well and have plans to actually plan/try next time, and yes, it's never easy, but there are truthfully always others who are worse off than you are.

To the mothers out there who have gone nearly a whole pregnancy and lost their babies, who have lost them at 20 weeks, who have given birth and had a stillborn child.... I have nothing to complain about when I think about those mothers. And yes, they are still mothers.

I am still lucky in many eyes, including my own. I have a beautiful little girl who just turned 7 on Friday the 18th. I just thought that if this baby was supposed to be here, it would have been perfect for the timing. We'll always have next time, right?

27 weeks to go

Now that the room has stopped spinning and I can eat peanut butter related items again, I'm just having to deal with the fatigue. Which is normal - and believe me, I'm not complaining! Just stating a fact.

I remember when I was prego with Alli that I used to fall to sleep and it would take a foghorn in the ear to wake me up. Exhaustion was my constant companion then.... but it's mild now compared to what I remembered. Still, I'm old. I turn 29 on Sunday. Alli turns 7 on the 18th of April. Which brings me to remember what it was like when she was born and how I'm preggers again. Oy.

When Alli was born, it was by emergency c-section and I was about 27 weeks with pre-eclampsia and HELLP. She emerged at just about 1 pound, 11 and 1/2 ounces. Talk about traumatic for us both!

And so now, nearly 7 years later, I look back on her birth and promise myself and my family that this time should not be nearly so traumatic or dramatic. According to my perinatologists, I have only a 25% chance to develope pre-eclampsia again, and that knowing about any predisposition means that we are armed to take better care this time. I think a large factor that is in my favor this time is that Dave isn't asking for a divorce when I'm 6 months pregnant (as my ex husband did). *L* Stress is never good, let alone when you're pregnant. Go figure.

But... so far all is well and normal. I have my Level II ultrasound in about 6 weeks to check for additional possible issues and do a really COOL 3D picture of the baby. We should also be able to see something as to the gender as well. I'm pretty darn excited this time - Alli was a surprise, but I am too old for surprises. *L* I want to know what gender it is so we can plan ahead. No fun you say? Oh well. I have enough surprises daily with my 7 year old.