Wednesday, March 21st was Ostara for us Pagans and Wiccans.
Mind you, I'm not a huge fan of lamb, but it seems to be traditional in most recipes I've seen for almost all the Pagan holidays.
So of course... we had real lamb chops, stuffing, and corn. We didn't perform any rituals, but during dinner I kept thinking about the worries of the winter... and how the equinox was a time for renewal and Spring, and tried to let go of previous worries and start new again.
I applied for a couple new jobs at work and agreed to let my nerves go in silent prayer as I munched on lamb chops and general dinner conversation flew around me.
Starting over is hard. Letting things go that you have no control over is harder.
I found out today that the first job that I REALLY wanted had started the second interview process - and it didn't include me. You want to talk about feeling inadequate?
I've been where I work for more than 2 years, have worked every product offered by my company, and excel in what I do, assisting members and other co-workers. I'm known as a 'go to' person for my team... and yet, I get passed over for someone who hasn't got a clue about a number of products and they are not a person anyone likes, and then someone else who has been there less time than I and hasn't been trained or gotten down even the basics of the products, and .... so on and so forth. Sorry, I hate bitching, but right now, I feel like I've been kicked like a puppy waiting faithfully by his master's stoop for a scrap of food.
Trust me, I'm no ones idea of an annoying ass-kissing, know-it-all who has a huge mouth... so I guess that disqualifies me for the position that I wanted. Because that's all that's left of the pool of employees who applied.
I came home tonight and consoled myself with half a pint of Ben and Jerry's Peanut Butter Cup ice cream. It's juvenile I know, and I have moved on from 'feeding my inadequacies' like when I was in high school, but I felt like I DESERVED that damn ice cream. I also think I f'd up my interview for the second position I applied for but I can't go into details on how or why. It just all seems like bad news today.
So I came home, cried to Dave, freaked out Alli without meaning to, and ate a quiet dinner with my family, learning that Dave 'had to work' tonight.
Now this is where I pull you aside dear reader and tell you that he has worked every night that I can remember, and every weekend with the exception of one when Alli and I went to Sandstone to visit Kathleen and Charlie a few weeks ago. Dave stayed home and relaxed on that Saturday, and has been behind since that time. Whether he realizes it or not, I feel like I've been kicked twice today - which I tried to explain to him tonight.
I get that everyone needs to make a living. I do. But I had one of the shittiest days I've had in a long, long while at work and I come home to him telling me I shouldn't be upset about it, and although lets me cry on his shoulder, tells me that he has to work tonight and doesn't know when he'll be done.
It's now 8pm. There's no telling when he'll be done. I'm feeling a craving for more chocolate. Did I mention that I have my period right now, too? Yeah. It just gets better and better. *L*
